Bedtime Battle

Good evening and welcome to tonight’s “Bedtime Battle Royal”. In the blue corner standing 6’3” tall, weighing in at 195lbs, it’s the bedtime behemoth, the sultan of sleep Daaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!! In the red corner: he’s in the 95th percentile for height, the 50th percentile for weight, and the 10th percentile for sleep. He’s fussy, he’s sleepy, he’s over-stimulated, he’s Caaaammmeeerrrroonn!! Cameron is coming off a disappointing loss to Mom last night when she put him down in the first round. Tonight should be a different story. Dad just doesn’t have the experience or, to be quite honest, the boobs that Mom has. This one could go the distance.

Ding Ding!!! There’s the bell and this battle is underway. Dad and Cameron are sizing each other up. Neither one of them seems to want to make the first move. Dad looks confused. He’s going in for a diaper change!! That’s a bold move, as Cameron is known for his “wait till the diaper is off to wee wee” maneuver. Dad is trying to get Cameron undressed but the onesie won’t come off over Cameron’s huge noggin. Cameron is mocking Dad’s ineptitudes with giggles and wiggles. What’s this? Mom pokes her head in for a little coaching and the onesie is off! I don’t believe it! Cameron is stunned. Dad quickly goes for the diaper. It’s off! Cameron doesn’t know what hit him. Now Cameron seems a bit confused. Dad’s got the wipes and Vaseline. This first round has been all Dad so far. If he gets the diaper on the judges will have to give him the round. What’s that? Oh no!! Cameron has let go with a geyser of wee-wee. Dad attempts to block it with the old diaper but it’s too late; It’s all over everything. Well, it could have been worse: It could have been one of Cameron’s patented poopsplosions.

Ding Ding. There’s the bell and that round definitely goes to Cameron. Both combatants have gone to their corners. Cameron is psyching himself up by sucking on his toes while dad takes his wee-wee-soaked shirt off preparing for the next round.

Ding Ding. Dad charges in and finally gets Cameron in his diaper. Now he just needs to get the sleeper on. Dad is not the least bit happy about the wee-wee incident and has chosen the pink fuzzy sleeper as a way to humiliate Cameron. He lays it out in the crib, scoops Cameron up, and lays him on top of it. Oh no - he has just realized in his attempt humiliate and intimidate Cameron he has picked a sleeper with many, many snaps instead of one big zipper. Let’s see if he can overcome this mistake. He’s got the right leg in, oh no the right leg’s out, no the right leg’s in but Cameron shakes it all about. Dad sighs in disgust and he turns himself around. Let me tell you people “That’s what its all about”. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of action now as they are both just dancing around. It does look like dad has the sleeper on now and he’s heading for the rocker. No wait.. it looks like… it is!!! Dad has the swaddle blanket. Cameron is not going to like that. He’s screaming. He’s kicking. He’s flailing. I haven’t seen a struggle like this since Mom tried to put on her skinny jeans for Cameron’s one-month doctors appointment. Whoooooa Nellie. It looks like dad has the upper-hand now as Cameron has been secured in the straightjacket snuggler.

Ding Ding. There’s the bell. I’d say that round goes to Dad. With only one round left it is too close to call. Whoever wins this last round will be tonight’s champion.

Ding Ding. Back to the action. Cameron is working on a wiggle fit while dad turns off the lights and starts the lullabies. He grabs Cameron and heads straight for the rocker. He puts Cameron in a “two-handed horizontal cradle hold” but Cameron will have none of that. Dad changes strategies and puts Cameron on his shoulder and starts delivering multiple blows to his back. Again, Cameron will have none of it. Cameron turns up the volume but dad just turns a deaf ear. Literally… Dad is half-deaf in his left ear from an old army injury and he is going to use it to his advantage. Cameron realizes his crying is having no effect on Dad so he has started to head-butt Dad right on the ear. Dad just keeps delivering blows to the back… “buuuuuuurrrrrrrrp!!!!!” Oh my! It seems as if Mom may have missed a burp when the feeding was over. I hope that wasn’t intentional on her part. It seems to have taken its toll on Cameron. Back to the double-arm cradle and Cameron is starting to really wind down now. I don’t know who has the advantage. Dad got up at 6 am and worked all day in the hot sun but Cameron hasn’t had a nap in over two hours. So I’d call it even. These two have been going at it all night and neither has very much left in their tanks. Both of their eyelids are getting heavy but who will blink first. There it is!!! Cameron just had a huge yawn!! Dad knows all he has to do now is finish. He keeps rocking and puts in the pacifier. Cameron doesn’t have the energy to push it out. Now Dad is starting to yawn!! Cameron’s blinks are getting slower and slower!! If Dad had any caffeine in his system this battle would be over, but he swore off the stuff back in 1982 when he pulled and all-nighter to write a history paper. Unfortunately he was supposed to be writing a biology paper!!! The pacifier has fallen out of Cameron’s mouth! Down goes Cameron!!, Down goes Cameron!! Here’s the count: “One, two” - Dad stands up… “three, four”… he glides to the crib… “five, six”… he lays Cameron down… “seven”… he kisses Cameron’s forehead… “eight”… he’s going for the door… “nine” He’s made it! He’s out! “Ten” …this one is over. Dad wins! Dad wins!!!!